Once there was a goat. He was polka-dotted blue and pink. He loved eating shoelaces, especially green ones. His master (in the force) didn't like him eating all his green shoelaces, so he started feeding him spaghetti leftovers. But it didn't work; the goat just switched the spaghetti for the shoelaces. Every time the master tried to tie his shoes, the spaghetti fell apart. It was quite gross.
Not wanting to offend his goat too badly, the long suffering Master tried for a while just to tie his shoes with the spaghetti. But like I said, it kept falling apart and making an awful mess. Finally, he just got mad. Then a thought came to him: "Use the Force, Luke," it said. Ignoring the curious circumstance that caused him to hear voices, Luke concentrated the Force and channeled it into the spaghetti in order to tie them. The spaghetti exploded.
"Yuck!" Luke cried in disgust, shaking himself. It had gotten all over him, and produced little meatball fireworks, which were just making things worse each time they went off.
Luke, trying again, used the force once more, and promptly turned into an ordinary black, brown, and gray speckled goat. Meanwhile, the voice cackled loudly in Luke the goat's right ear. "Cackle cackle!!!...They fall for it every time!...cackle cackle!" screamed the voice hysterically in the middle of it's insane cackles. “I'll show you! You, you...VOICE!!" the enraged Luke cried to his right ear, and then he charged the biggest tree he could find. SMACK! He kind of stood there stunned for a moment, and then shook off the little stars swirling around, since as a goat he was used to this kind of thing. The Voice however, evidently not being of the goat variety was completely stunned, and fell silent for the time being. Feeling much better already, Luke ate the spaghetti and exploding meatballs since that head butting made him hungry, and then decided he'd better figure out how to turn into a human once again. The only thing he could think of was to ask his teacher, Yogi the Bear, and failing that, find out from his goat, how to go about being a goat properly.... By this time, the exploding meatballs in his stomach were giving him quite a tummy ache, so he decided to first eat some grass, because something inside him was telling him that that would make him feel better. But it didn't. It made him sick for a week. When he finally felt better, his goat decided the property was only big enough for one goat and started trying to fight him. The goat knocked Luke into a bunch of glue, and started the gluey goat revolution where all the goats started playing in glue and took over a mountain owned by the mob. Luke, however, was not a part of that.
He didn't know what to think when his little goat turned rebel and pushed him into a pile of glue. He sat there, drenched in glue, already feeling the stuff begin to congeal on him, and knowing that if he didn't get out of this mess soon, he'd end up just another case in paper mache and modern art. He thought fast. Nothing happened. He thought faster. Still nothing. He had thought his fast thinking would be able to rocket him out of this mess, but apparently he had to do something besides think! "Quiche," (pronounced 'keesh') he sighed. "Do I have to do EVERYTHING??" Shrugging his shoulders (if you have never seen a goat shrug his shoulders, you really ought to--it's an interesting sight), he attempted to stand. He felt the glue move slightly, but not enough. He pushed harder, and felt the glue strain to hold him. Just a little harder-
"What do you think you're doing?" exclaimed a female voice from behind him. Luke whipped around-and fell flat on his face in the glue. Luckily, it was hardening enough that he didn't stick too much to it and only lost half the hairs of his beard as he struggled back up. Quickly trying to regain his composure, he looked around for the female voice and saw a beautiful goat shaped tree nymph. He could tell she was a tree nymph because she was green and had flowers growing out of her ears, and he was pretty sure regular goats didn't do that. "What does it look like I'm doing?" he asked angrily, "I'm.." But she interrupted. "You made a mess on my flowers and that glue is positively smothering my dear niece!" Luke looked around and saw a tiny oak tree at the very edge of the puddle with two drops of glue on one of the bright green leaves. "Smothering! SMOTHERING! I'M SMOTHERING, NOT HER! WHY I, STUCK, AND YOU, DROPS, SMOTHERING!" Luke sputtered, and then took a deep breath. "EXCUSE ME Mrs. Flower-Ears, but I'll have you know that I did NOT make this mess, I was pushed into it by my goat, which has now joined the Mob, and is prancing all over some stupid mountain, and left me here, stuck. And on top of that, I'm not a goat, I'm a man, but the voice told me to use the force and POOF, and my tummy hurts! and you yell at me and SPLAT and half my beard is gone!" "I see....." mused the green goat-tree-nymph with flowers growing out of her ears. "Well, it's perfectly obvious your insane, but I'll help you get out since I'm feeling generous." POOF! She turned into a beautiful green lady shaped tree nymph with flowers growing out of her ears. "I'll go get help, who do you know who is powerful?" Luke thought, "....My master, Yogi the Bear, I need to see him anyway. He lives in those woods to the right, I was heading there when this happened." "Okay, I'll go get him." she said, and stretched her arms upward and-POOF!-changed into a beautiful green bird shaped tree nymph with flowers growing out of her ears. Off she flew to find Yogi the Bear.
5.28.2007
5.27.2007
Ch. 1, pg 2: Yogi the Bear
They found Yogi the Bear talking to some wild looking kid, who was calling Yogi, Baloo; for some strange unknown reason. Luke had a sudden urge to butt the tangled haired boy right into a tree, but he fought down his urge while the flower-eared shape-shifter chatted with Yogi about insects. This annoyed Luke so badly that he used the force to throw a coconut from Hawaii at the budding bird. It knocked her out cold.
Yogi looked at Luke and said, "Patience, my young friend. That is not the way the cookie should crumble."
"Huh?" said Luke, who still never understood a thing his master said. The great wise magnanimous bear sighed.
"Grasshopper! What are you doing outside of your body?"
"What?" Luke asked, confused.
Yogi slapped a paw to his forehead. "How plainer can I be than that? What...are...you--"
"No, I understood what you said," Luke interrupted quickly. "I just didn't realize I left my body behind."
"Well, what did you think! It's stuck back there in that glue!"
"How did you know that?" Luke exclaimed.
The wise old bear folded his arms and drew himself up. "It is my business to know," he said wisely.
"Oh...okay," Luke replied warily, not wanting to get into a discussion of the mysteries of Yogi's art right now. "Well, help me get my body free," he went on quickly.
"Okay," the bear agreed, obviously a little disappointed they hadn't gotten into a deep discussion of his mysterious art. Quickly, he regained his composure and said briskly. "We must go then. Get the cabbage."
"The cabbage..." Luke began.
"Grasshopper!" Yogi barked. "No more questions. The teacher must show, he does not explain."
Luke shook his head and picked up the rotten cabbage that he had tried to warn Yogi about. Meanwhile, Yogi pulled a mysteriously shaped box out from under his right sleeve, and began putting all manner of things in it. Luke had seen this box before, but never questioned his master about it, but now his curiosity grew too strong for him to bare. Though he was afraid to question his master once again, curiosity got the best of him. "How is…What is that?"
"Haven't you ever seen a picnic basket before!" Yogi exclaimed exasperated. "We, or rather I, have a long journey back to your body grasshopper. Though you can fly, I am still in my body, and it will take longer to get there. You and the tree nymph may go ahead and wait if you like, but I must walk, and I must have food for the four-hour journey. Besides, you interrupted my meal!"
"That's not what I meant master, I mean, I've never seen a picnic basket that could fit in your sleeve, and yet hold a table, 4 chairs, a watermelon, honey, a loaf of bread, a thanksgiving turkey--"
"Will you never learn!" interrupted Yogi, "It is the ways of the force! And a simple matter of reaching into dimension Y through dimension Q by causing the flux of the space time continuum with the force making an axis vertical to both in which you place particle Beta, thus by causing the suspended animation of whatever quantity of items I wish to keep prepared," Yogi lectured. "No more questions! Or I will leave your pathetic body stuck in the glue for eternity! Or at least until you learn to hold your tongue." More confused then ever now, Luke decided to do just that. "And pick up your girl-friend!" Yogi snapped.
Luke was at first confused, but seeing as Flower-Brain was the only female around Luke figured that was who Yogi was talking about. Luke considered telling Yogi that she wasn't his girlfriend, but figured it could wait since he really didn't want to be stuck in glue forever. He walked over to where she had fallen from the coconut, and nudged her with his toe...
"Wakey-wakey flower-face" he whispered. He really didn't want to touch her, because being a shape shifter, she was very malleable, and when the coconut had hit her, it had formed a deep circular impression in her face. Making it look as half her head were gone. Had he killed her? he wondered? He really hadn't meant to throw the coconut that hard. Well, okay, maybe he had, but he didn't want to kill her. She stirred, and started to wake, and her face popped back into its normal bird-shape. She opened her eyes..
"Wha?... hey, YOU! You threw a coconut at me!!" Now she was all the way awake. "Poof!" she was a green girl shaped nymph with flowers growing out of her ears. She wagged her finger in his face, "thought you could throw stuff at me and get away with it did you!" Her face grew bright red, then purple, then blue, and she began to swell up. Luke was afraid she'd burst! He looked for something to hide behind, and ran to Yogi's basket. Just before he got to it, "BOOM!" SHE EXPLODED!! And in her place stood a 15-foot tall green budding dragon. She let out a jet of fire that reached 30 feet straight up in the air and then turned to look for Luke. Instead, she saw Yogi.
"Now now, children, how many times must I say this, that is not the way the cookie should crumble."
She let out a shriek/roar, and started to build up a flame to fry Yogi with when suddenly she hiccupped and choked. She coughed and gasped and when finally she got her breath she asked, "What? What was that?"
"That was me lady grasshopper" Poof! She turned into a grasshopper. "You and Luke must both learn humility and patience if you are ever to advance in the force." Yogi admonished sternly as he picked up the grasshopper and held her in the palm of his hand.
"No fair!" The grasshopper squeaked, "I don’t wanna learn the force!"
Yogi looked at Luke and said, "Patience, my young friend. That is not the way the cookie should crumble."
"Huh?" said Luke, who still never understood a thing his master said. The great wise magnanimous bear sighed.
"Grasshopper! What are you doing outside of your body?"
"What?" Luke asked, confused.
Yogi slapped a paw to his forehead. "How plainer can I be than that? What...are...you--"
"No, I understood what you said," Luke interrupted quickly. "I just didn't realize I left my body behind."
"Well, what did you think! It's stuck back there in that glue!"
"How did you know that?" Luke exclaimed.
The wise old bear folded his arms and drew himself up. "It is my business to know," he said wisely.
"Oh...okay," Luke replied warily, not wanting to get into a discussion of the mysteries of Yogi's art right now. "Well, help me get my body free," he went on quickly.
"Okay," the bear agreed, obviously a little disappointed they hadn't gotten into a deep discussion of his mysterious art. Quickly, he regained his composure and said briskly. "We must go then. Get the cabbage."
"The cabbage..." Luke began.
"Grasshopper!" Yogi barked. "No more questions. The teacher must show, he does not explain."
Luke shook his head and picked up the rotten cabbage that he had tried to warn Yogi about. Meanwhile, Yogi pulled a mysteriously shaped box out from under his right sleeve, and began putting all manner of things in it. Luke had seen this box before, but never questioned his master about it, but now his curiosity grew too strong for him to bare. Though he was afraid to question his master once again, curiosity got the best of him. "How is…What is that?"
"Haven't you ever seen a picnic basket before!" Yogi exclaimed exasperated. "We, or rather I, have a long journey back to your body grasshopper. Though you can fly, I am still in my body, and it will take longer to get there. You and the tree nymph may go ahead and wait if you like, but I must walk, and I must have food for the four-hour journey. Besides, you interrupted my meal!"
"That's not what I meant master, I mean, I've never seen a picnic basket that could fit in your sleeve, and yet hold a table, 4 chairs, a watermelon, honey, a loaf of bread, a thanksgiving turkey--"
"Will you never learn!" interrupted Yogi, "It is the ways of the force! And a simple matter of reaching into dimension Y through dimension Q by causing the flux of the space time continuum with the force making an axis vertical to both in which you place particle Beta, thus by causing the suspended animation of whatever quantity of items I wish to keep prepared," Yogi lectured. "No more questions! Or I will leave your pathetic body stuck in the glue for eternity! Or at least until you learn to hold your tongue." More confused then ever now, Luke decided to do just that. "And pick up your girl-friend!" Yogi snapped.
Luke was at first confused, but seeing as Flower-Brain was the only female around Luke figured that was who Yogi was talking about. Luke considered telling Yogi that she wasn't his girlfriend, but figured it could wait since he really didn't want to be stuck in glue forever. He walked over to where she had fallen from the coconut, and nudged her with his toe...
"Wakey-wakey flower-face" he whispered. He really didn't want to touch her, because being a shape shifter, she was very malleable, and when the coconut had hit her, it had formed a deep circular impression in her face. Making it look as half her head were gone. Had he killed her? he wondered? He really hadn't meant to throw the coconut that hard. Well, okay, maybe he had, but he didn't want to kill her. She stirred, and started to wake, and her face popped back into its normal bird-shape. She opened her eyes..
"Wha?... hey, YOU! You threw a coconut at me!!" Now she was all the way awake. "Poof!" she was a green girl shaped nymph with flowers growing out of her ears. She wagged her finger in his face, "thought you could throw stuff at me and get away with it did you!" Her face grew bright red, then purple, then blue, and she began to swell up. Luke was afraid she'd burst! He looked for something to hide behind, and ran to Yogi's basket. Just before he got to it, "BOOM!" SHE EXPLODED!! And in her place stood a 15-foot tall green budding dragon. She let out a jet of fire that reached 30 feet straight up in the air and then turned to look for Luke. Instead, she saw Yogi.
"Now now, children, how many times must I say this, that is not the way the cookie should crumble."
She let out a shriek/roar, and started to build up a flame to fry Yogi with when suddenly she hiccupped and choked. She coughed and gasped and when finally she got her breath she asked, "What? What was that?"
"That was me lady grasshopper" Poof! She turned into a grasshopper. "You and Luke must both learn humility and patience if you are ever to advance in the force." Yogi admonished sternly as he picked up the grasshopper and held her in the palm of his hand.
"No fair!" The grasshopper squeaked, "I don’t wanna learn the force!"
5.26.2007
Ch. 1, pg 3: the Force
"You should have thought of that before you tried to fry me." Yogi shook a finger in her face, "You need much discipline, especially if you are to become the wife of Luke" Luke's face turned bright red, first girlfriend, now wife. What was going on? He didn't even like the blooming idiot. He started to protest when he heard her doing the same. So instead he shifted the smelly cabbage to his other hand, wiped his hand on his pants leg, and decided it was safer to be quiet until his body was free. His master had a temper when not obeyed. "Marry him!" she squeaked indignantly, "I'd rather marry a FROG! or a SLUG! Or even worse, a POLITICIAN, but HIM????"
"It is your destiny Lady grasshopper. For anything else to happen would be... to quote a famous man, "Inconceivable!" and so it shall be... The cookie will mend, and the wheel of life turn, and the weavers pull threads out of their hair to make a blanket of life."
Now Blossom was as confused as Luke was. "Wha..." she started, "Oh never mind, you are just insane, that's all there is too it." Luke privately agreed, she continued, "But since I have no choice, I'll at least guide you back to Luke's body. And then I'll go home." With that she hopped up on Yogi's shoulder, and gave him directions and they all three started off towards Luke's body. Luke looked regretfully at the cabbage, and wished he could set it down, for it really was stinking quite horribly. But he sighed, shrugged his shoulders, and followed the other two down the path and away from Yogi's picnic table.
When they had walked an hour Yogi halted. "The day is long and the stars are not yet falling" he announced. Seeing the confused expressions on their faces he sighed and then said, "It is time for a snack, we have journeyed long, and my stomach can wait no longer!" Thus the wise bear pulled the picnic basket back out of his sleeve and began unloading a meal. The first thing he pulled out of the basket was an elephant, "This will make the journey go faster after we eat." he explained as Luke and the Flowery-Grasshopper looked at him quizzically. The next thing he pulled out of his basket was the purple people eater's favorite purple cloak. "How'd this get in there?" Yogi wondered out loud. Luke started to remind the hungry bear that he'd put it in there last Tuesday, when the purple people eater stole his melted carrot-head trophy. But then he remembered he wasn't suppose to say anything unless he didn't want his body out of the glue.
The grasshopper lady glared at Yogi, "You took the Purple people eater's cloak? HE EATS PEOPLE!"
Yogi looked calmly at her and replied, "Only purple people, besides I liked that melted carrot-head trophy."
"Before you get any stranger, can we go and get his goat body out the glue?"
The grasshopper flower asked.
"A cookie crumbled makes a good blizzard," Yogi explained.
Luke shrugged away the vague feeling that it had been ages since Yogi started to pull out that purple cloak--but it had only been a few seconds ago! "Would you like Oreo or cookies-and-cream?" he heard himself ask. "Do you want fries with that?"
Yogi looked startled, then smoothed his face into its customary magnanimity, and tried to look like he knew what Luke was talking about.
"What in the name of the ozone layer is he talking about?" demanded the dryad.
"It is...an ancient Chinese proverb. Very difficult to explain. We will postpone your lessons on that one for another day," he added somewhat hurriedly.
Luke looked dazed and shook his head as if to clear it. "That glue must be getting to my brain," he muttered to himself nervously.
"Luke," Yogi said suddenly, "Go feed the elephant," and thrust a large brown bag at him.
With great concentration, Luke's spirit-hands managed to grasp the bag and carry it to the large gray beast, who, at the moment, was trying to eat a near-by tree. The great creature responded kindly to Luke's offer of food. It shoved the contents of the bag down its throat, then ate the bag before he could protest (Luke, not the bag). Luke shrugged his shoulders thinly, unable to summon the energy to care.
"What's wrong with him?" he heard Flower-Ears ask, as he flopped down on the ground to take a rest. "He looks all pale and--flickery."
"Oh," exclaimed Yogi with some consternation. "He has been away from his body too long. Go with him, little cricket; take him quickly to his body. I will follow on the elephant, but come back and guide me the rest of the way."
"What--so now I'm a cricket?" the dryad muttered to herself, as she headed over to Luke's side. Glancing down at herself reflexively, she saw, to her surprise, that she was indeed a cricket! In calling her "cricket," Yogi had unthinkingly turned her into one!
With patience--and a fair amount of shouting on the dryad's part--they got Luke to his feet. This was very difficult, since they had to concentrate to touch him, and his flickering made it hard for any grip to last. Plus, he was too unreasonable to argue with--not that Flower-Ears could resist trying.
They set off, the dryad guiding and cajoling Luke's wandering spirit to follow, and using concentrated bursts of psikinetic energy to give him a shove in the right direction when he wouldn't listen. Rather like herding a sheep, she thought, without the psi-energy. Unless, of course, she reflected, they were sheep having an out-of-body experience.
Things got a little easier for Flower-Ears when the Voice woke up. Since Luke was desperate to shut it up, and tree butting was the only thing that had worked so far, the sooner he made it back to his body, the sooner he could shut up the voice. Before long, the cricket shaped Flower-Brain was having a hard time keeping up.
"You’ll never make it you know." The Voice commented conversationally to Luke.
"I will too! just shut up!" Luke yelled in passing a sleeping duck. Blossom and the duck exchanged worried glances. Blossom shrugged her shoulders, and the duck decided if she was going to be yelled at, she should be yelled at for doing something. So the duck began dive bombing Luke’s head as he continued charging through the forest towards his body.
The voice let out an evil laugh, "MUAHA HA HA HA!!!! You’ll dissolve into nothing before you make it to your body! All that will be left of you is that rotten cabbage you’re carrying! HA! HA HA HA ha ha ha!!!"
"Oh yeah Mr. Voice? And what happens to you then? Huh? Huh? If I don’t make it back to my body…neither do you! What do you think of that!" Luke triumphantly shouted in the duck’s ear as it flew past once more. This startled the duck so much that she misjudged the distance on pulling up from her dive, and smacked into a tree.
Catching up with the stunned duck, Blossom squeaked, "I’ll help you get even with that lunatic, if you’ll give me a ride following him, these little legs just don’t hop fast enough." The duck agreed, and so the flowery cricket hopped on the duck’s back, and they both followed the trail Luke’s astral body was taking. Blossom explained to the duck, "You see, his body got turned into a goat, and so his master, Yogi the Bear, said he needed to get back into his body. But I think the strain’s been a little too much for his mind. He was raving about joining the mob earlier, and now he’s talking to himself and yelling at trees and rocks." The cricket rolled its eyes. "And if he doesn’t get back to his body on time, I’m sure Yogi will hold me responsible, and all I want is to get home, in my normal shape-shifting body. Also, once he’s back in his real body, it will be a lot easier for you to hit him, since it won’t flicker in and out of existence!" She finished triumphantly. The Duck nodded wisely, and started to descend as they neared the clearing in which Luke had headed. Luke’s astral body had gotten to the edge of the glue puddle, in which his goat body was stuck, and was now running circles around it shouting.
"NO! I won’t do it! Ha! And then you’ll die! I won’t die, but you will!….What do you mean! No, you’re lying!! Besides, then my astral self will get stuck in the glue too!"
Blossom and the duck exchanged worried glances, then Blossom hopped down and over to Luke. "LUKE!" she squeaked indignantly, "You won’t get stuck, you can fly remember! and if you don’t get in there NOW then Yogi will make you carry that cabbage forever, but in a goat body, you won’t have hands to carry it!" Luke paused uncertainly… as if listening to someone far away, then the glazed look left his eyes and he focused on the cricket.
"I’ll, I’ll die?" He asked uncertainly. "But, if I go in, then the Voice will live…." He whined plaintively.
"Luke! get in there now! Yogi can deal with the voice later, whatever that is. Just put down the cabbage where you are, and go jump into your body!" She commanded.
"Better do it squirt, or it’s not just me that’ll be road kill!" the voice grumbled. It had changed it’s tune as soon as it realized that it needed Luke’s body too, and had been urging Luke to hurry and get there quickly.
Luke gratefully set the smelly cabbage down, wiped his hands off once more, and trudged with shoulders downcast towards his body. He sat down on the goat body’s back, and sank slowly into it.
"It is your destiny Lady grasshopper. For anything else to happen would be... to quote a famous man, "Inconceivable!" and so it shall be... The cookie will mend, and the wheel of life turn, and the weavers pull threads out of their hair to make a blanket of life."
Now Blossom was as confused as Luke was. "Wha..." she started, "Oh never mind, you are just insane, that's all there is too it." Luke privately agreed, she continued, "But since I have no choice, I'll at least guide you back to Luke's body. And then I'll go home." With that she hopped up on Yogi's shoulder, and gave him directions and they all three started off towards Luke's body. Luke looked regretfully at the cabbage, and wished he could set it down, for it really was stinking quite horribly. But he sighed, shrugged his shoulders, and followed the other two down the path and away from Yogi's picnic table.
When they had walked an hour Yogi halted. "The day is long and the stars are not yet falling" he announced. Seeing the confused expressions on their faces he sighed and then said, "It is time for a snack, we have journeyed long, and my stomach can wait no longer!" Thus the wise bear pulled the picnic basket back out of his sleeve and began unloading a meal. The first thing he pulled out of the basket was an elephant, "This will make the journey go faster after we eat." he explained as Luke and the Flowery-Grasshopper looked at him quizzically. The next thing he pulled out of his basket was the purple people eater's favorite purple cloak. "How'd this get in there?" Yogi wondered out loud. Luke started to remind the hungry bear that he'd put it in there last Tuesday, when the purple people eater stole his melted carrot-head trophy. But then he remembered he wasn't suppose to say anything unless he didn't want his body out of the glue.
The grasshopper lady glared at Yogi, "You took the Purple people eater's cloak? HE EATS PEOPLE!"
Yogi looked calmly at her and replied, "Only purple people, besides I liked that melted carrot-head trophy."
"Before you get any stranger, can we go and get his goat body out the glue?"
The grasshopper flower asked.
"A cookie crumbled makes a good blizzard," Yogi explained.
Luke shrugged away the vague feeling that it had been ages since Yogi started to pull out that purple cloak--but it had only been a few seconds ago! "Would you like Oreo or cookies-and-cream?" he heard himself ask. "Do you want fries with that?"
Yogi looked startled, then smoothed his face into its customary magnanimity, and tried to look like he knew what Luke was talking about.
"What in the name of the ozone layer is he talking about?" demanded the dryad.
"It is...an ancient Chinese proverb. Very difficult to explain. We will postpone your lessons on that one for another day," he added somewhat hurriedly.
Luke looked dazed and shook his head as if to clear it. "That glue must be getting to my brain," he muttered to himself nervously.
"Luke," Yogi said suddenly, "Go feed the elephant," and thrust a large brown bag at him.
With great concentration, Luke's spirit-hands managed to grasp the bag and carry it to the large gray beast, who, at the moment, was trying to eat a near-by tree. The great creature responded kindly to Luke's offer of food. It shoved the contents of the bag down its throat, then ate the bag before he could protest (Luke, not the bag). Luke shrugged his shoulders thinly, unable to summon the energy to care.
"What's wrong with him?" he heard Flower-Ears ask, as he flopped down on the ground to take a rest. "He looks all pale and--flickery."
"Oh," exclaimed Yogi with some consternation. "He has been away from his body too long. Go with him, little cricket; take him quickly to his body. I will follow on the elephant, but come back and guide me the rest of the way."
"What--so now I'm a cricket?" the dryad muttered to herself, as she headed over to Luke's side. Glancing down at herself reflexively, she saw, to her surprise, that she was indeed a cricket! In calling her "cricket," Yogi had unthinkingly turned her into one!
With patience--and a fair amount of shouting on the dryad's part--they got Luke to his feet. This was very difficult, since they had to concentrate to touch him, and his flickering made it hard for any grip to last. Plus, he was too unreasonable to argue with--not that Flower-Ears could resist trying.
They set off, the dryad guiding and cajoling Luke's wandering spirit to follow, and using concentrated bursts of psikinetic energy to give him a shove in the right direction when he wouldn't listen. Rather like herding a sheep, she thought, without the psi-energy. Unless, of course, she reflected, they were sheep having an out-of-body experience.
Things got a little easier for Flower-Ears when the Voice woke up. Since Luke was desperate to shut it up, and tree butting was the only thing that had worked so far, the sooner he made it back to his body, the sooner he could shut up the voice. Before long, the cricket shaped Flower-Brain was having a hard time keeping up.
"You’ll never make it you know." The Voice commented conversationally to Luke.
"I will too! just shut up!" Luke yelled in passing a sleeping duck. Blossom and the duck exchanged worried glances. Blossom shrugged her shoulders, and the duck decided if she was going to be yelled at, she should be yelled at for doing something. So the duck began dive bombing Luke’s head as he continued charging through the forest towards his body.
The voice let out an evil laugh, "MUAHA HA HA HA!!!! You’ll dissolve into nothing before you make it to your body! All that will be left of you is that rotten cabbage you’re carrying! HA! HA HA HA ha ha ha!!!"
"Oh yeah Mr. Voice? And what happens to you then? Huh? Huh? If I don’t make it back to my body…neither do you! What do you think of that!" Luke triumphantly shouted in the duck’s ear as it flew past once more. This startled the duck so much that she misjudged the distance on pulling up from her dive, and smacked into a tree.
Catching up with the stunned duck, Blossom squeaked, "I’ll help you get even with that lunatic, if you’ll give me a ride following him, these little legs just don’t hop fast enough." The duck agreed, and so the flowery cricket hopped on the duck’s back, and they both followed the trail Luke’s astral body was taking. Blossom explained to the duck, "You see, his body got turned into a goat, and so his master, Yogi the Bear, said he needed to get back into his body. But I think the strain’s been a little too much for his mind. He was raving about joining the mob earlier, and now he’s talking to himself and yelling at trees and rocks." The cricket rolled its eyes. "And if he doesn’t get back to his body on time, I’m sure Yogi will hold me responsible, and all I want is to get home, in my normal shape-shifting body. Also, once he’s back in his real body, it will be a lot easier for you to hit him, since it won’t flicker in and out of existence!" She finished triumphantly. The Duck nodded wisely, and started to descend as they neared the clearing in which Luke had headed. Luke’s astral body had gotten to the edge of the glue puddle, in which his goat body was stuck, and was now running circles around it shouting.
"NO! I won’t do it! Ha! And then you’ll die! I won’t die, but you will!….What do you mean! No, you’re lying!! Besides, then my astral self will get stuck in the glue too!"
Blossom and the duck exchanged worried glances, then Blossom hopped down and over to Luke. "LUKE!" she squeaked indignantly, "You won’t get stuck, you can fly remember! and if you don’t get in there NOW then Yogi will make you carry that cabbage forever, but in a goat body, you won’t have hands to carry it!" Luke paused uncertainly… as if listening to someone far away, then the glazed look left his eyes and he focused on the cricket.
"I’ll, I’ll die?" He asked uncertainly. "But, if I go in, then the Voice will live…." He whined plaintively.
"Luke! get in there now! Yogi can deal with the voice later, whatever that is. Just put down the cabbage where you are, and go jump into your body!" She commanded.
"Better do it squirt, or it’s not just me that’ll be road kill!" the voice grumbled. It had changed it’s tune as soon as it realized that it needed Luke’s body too, and had been urging Luke to hurry and get there quickly.
Luke gratefully set the smelly cabbage down, wiped his hands off once more, and trudged with shoulders downcast towards his body. He sat down on the goat body’s back, and sank slowly into it.
5.25.2007
Chapter 2
As Blossom saw him merging back into the goat body, she turned and said to the duck, "I must get back to Yogi quickly. But now you can take your revenge and help me out too, Luke’s not supposed to go to sleep until he and his body are fully integrated, so that they don’t separate again. So you can dive bomb him, or quack in his ear or throw or drop things on him to keep him awake. If you’d do that for at least one hour, I’d be grateful! And I’m sure Yogi will reward you. Now, I must go guide Yogi here." With that, the flower-eared cricket hopped back into the forest in the direction from which they came.
The duck looked thoughtfully at the path Blossom had taken, and then thoughtfully at Luke (who was now fully goat). Since the body had been in a state of sleep while the spirit was gone, it was now lying in the glue with one side of the head stuck. Luke was feebly straining to get up, but it hurt too much to move his head, and he really didn’t want to lose the rest of his beard. The duck quacked once as she cocked her head sideways at Luke, and then waddled to the edge of the glue puddle. There she spun around three times on her webbed feet and--
Something exploded.
Luke raised his head slightly (he had been beginning to doze off) and looked in the duck’s direction. A puff of pink smoke was dissipating around the duck’s feet and she was peering down at them in perplexity. Luke did a double take as he registered the pair of glittering ruby high heels crammed awkwardly onto her webbed feet. "Quack," the duck said doubtfully. She kicked them off. Luke watched with remote fascination as the duck fluffed her wings a bit and then commenced to hop on one foot, then the other, and once again spin around three times. There was a bright, white explosion tinged with violet where the duck’s feet should have been. Violet smoke billowed away. At her feet sat a large shiny violet purse. The duck stared a long time at the purse, her expression unreadable, before giving what looked like a duck’s version of a shrug of her shoulders (if you have never seen this, it is even weirder looking than a goat shrugging his shoulders).
She paused to think for another long moment, staring at the shoes, the purse, and then the cabbage, before tucking her wings to her sides and running in a figure eight three times, and finishing with a backwards flip. Luke began to wonder if she was some kind of deranged circus duck separated from her troop when, again, white exploded at her feet (this time tinged with blue), and, as blue smoke cleared away, there sat a large blue alarm clock. Quacking with satisfaction, she used her bill to carefully set the alarm, and turned back to survey her main problem: the goat sprawled in the glue before her, looking odd with several hairless patches from the glue’s work. She took a step over to the cabbage and gave it a nudge with her bill, sniffing it thoughtfully. "Quack!" she said in disgust. Flapping, she rose smoothly into a low glide, lighting on Luke’s head.
Luke was just dozing off again when she pecked him, a sharp rap on the forehead. Of course, a goat has a hard head, so he barely felt it. Trying again, she wedged her feet behind his horns so she wouldn’t fall off, and, leaning down in front of his face, pecked his nose. Luke stirred enough to open his eyes and look at her, before shaking his head--delicately--to get her to go away. The duck made a sound something like "Humph!" and pecked him again, harder. Luke looked at her with annoyance. "Go off and bug somebody else!" he told her, shaking his head slightly again to dislodge her. She pecked him again as hard as she could manage without dislodging herself. Luke sighed, closed his eyes, and set himself to steadfastly ignoring her. The duck paused, surveying her target. This wasn’t going according to plan. Luke sighed to himself, and rolled his head slightly, trying to get a more comfortable position in the glue. Looking up and around, the duck launched herself off Luke’s head and soared straight up into the sky. Luke, relieved, smiled and began to drift into a doze. Up above, against the high noon sky, the duck paused mid-soar, seeming to hang on the air itself, and then turned gently in the air. Luke snuggled comfortably into dreamland, his astral body gently blurring the outlines of his physical body, and starting to separate again. The duck dive-bombed him, coming in at a murderous rate of speed to smack him upside the head with her own body; then, flapping furiously to keep from plunging into the glue herself, she landed on the edge of the puddle of glue.
"Ow!" said Luke, who started up with a jerk. Several more hairs pulled out of his beard with the sudden movement. "Owww! Look what you’ve done! I’ve lost enough hair as it is, and you’re making me lose more of it! By the time I get out of this mess, I’ll be bald!" Luke exclaimed, the last note ending on a wail.
A light sprang up in the duck’s eyes, and Luke knew exactly what she was thinking as readily as if she’d spoken out loud. "Oh, no! Oh, no you don’t!" exclaimed Luke quickly, but the duck was already flapping her wings and, in a moment, landed square on his head, in her old perch. Eyeing Luke sharply (she had to wedge her feet behind his horns again and lean down his face to do this), she poised her bill over his furry cheek and made as if to pluck out some hair.
"Don’t! Stop!" cried Luke, shaking his head hard, trying to shake her off. Hair on the other side of his head ripped out as he tore it away from the glue, and he stopped, moaning, "Oh, look what you made me do! Again! I won’t have any hair left after this!"
The duck peered at him meaningfully, but Luke could only stare back at her, not knowing what she was trying to get across. A wave of morose-ness swept over him, and he gave up trying to argue with her. "Fine. Go ahead," he glared at her. "Pull out all my hair. See if I care." He closed his eyes, once again set on ignoring her. The moment he shut his eyes, though, she bent her head and plucked out a tuft of hair. Despite his vow to suffer in silence, Luke’s eyes flew open immediately and he yelped. "That hurt! What did I ever do to you?"
Again the duck stared at him, not plucking at his fast-diminishing beard as long as he kept his eyes open. The minute he shut them, she took out another tuft. It began to dawn on Luke that she wanted him to keep his eyes open. "Okay, you dimwit," he muttered at her. "If it makes you happy, I’ll keep my eyes open."
The duck nodded firmly. "Quack!"
"Whatever that means," Luke mumbled, staring back at her and straining to keep his eyes open.
The rest of the hour passed in a haze for Luke. Try as he might to keep his eyes open, they would now and then slip past his guard and close on him. The duck always set things right, plucking and pinching at him to get his blood flowing again. By the end of the hour, Luke sat in a kind of trance, eyes glazed over staring into space, sleeping with his eyes open. But by then the danger was past, and his spirit had settled firmly back into the physical plane.
The alarm clock went off, squalling and making an awful racket, but Luke barely heard it. The duck launched herself off his head and landed beside the clock, where she carefully turned it off. Then, turning back to Luke, she rose and landed once again on his head. Seeing that he was still staring with eyes wide open, like a zombie, she leaned forward and gently nudged each of his eyes shut. Then, contented, she fluffed her wings and settled in between his horns. Luke sighed in relief, and dropped into a deeper sleep.
Yogi and Blossom found them that way, not five minutes later, but by then there was no waking Luke. The duck opened one eye to survey them, and then shut it firmly.
The duck looked thoughtfully at the path Blossom had taken, and then thoughtfully at Luke (who was now fully goat). Since the body had been in a state of sleep while the spirit was gone, it was now lying in the glue with one side of the head stuck. Luke was feebly straining to get up, but it hurt too much to move his head, and he really didn’t want to lose the rest of his beard. The duck quacked once as she cocked her head sideways at Luke, and then waddled to the edge of the glue puddle. There she spun around three times on her webbed feet and--
Something exploded.
Luke raised his head slightly (he had been beginning to doze off) and looked in the duck’s direction. A puff of pink smoke was dissipating around the duck’s feet and she was peering down at them in perplexity. Luke did a double take as he registered the pair of glittering ruby high heels crammed awkwardly onto her webbed feet. "Quack," the duck said doubtfully. She kicked them off. Luke watched with remote fascination as the duck fluffed her wings a bit and then commenced to hop on one foot, then the other, and once again spin around three times. There was a bright, white explosion tinged with violet where the duck’s feet should have been. Violet smoke billowed away. At her feet sat a large shiny violet purse. The duck stared a long time at the purse, her expression unreadable, before giving what looked like a duck’s version of a shrug of her shoulders (if you have never seen this, it is even weirder looking than a goat shrugging his shoulders).
She paused to think for another long moment, staring at the shoes, the purse, and then the cabbage, before tucking her wings to her sides and running in a figure eight three times, and finishing with a backwards flip. Luke began to wonder if she was some kind of deranged circus duck separated from her troop when, again, white exploded at her feet (this time tinged with blue), and, as blue smoke cleared away, there sat a large blue alarm clock. Quacking with satisfaction, she used her bill to carefully set the alarm, and turned back to survey her main problem: the goat sprawled in the glue before her, looking odd with several hairless patches from the glue’s work. She took a step over to the cabbage and gave it a nudge with her bill, sniffing it thoughtfully. "Quack!" she said in disgust. Flapping, she rose smoothly into a low glide, lighting on Luke’s head.
Luke was just dozing off again when she pecked him, a sharp rap on the forehead. Of course, a goat has a hard head, so he barely felt it. Trying again, she wedged her feet behind his horns so she wouldn’t fall off, and, leaning down in front of his face, pecked his nose. Luke stirred enough to open his eyes and look at her, before shaking his head--delicately--to get her to go away. The duck made a sound something like "Humph!" and pecked him again, harder. Luke looked at her with annoyance. "Go off and bug somebody else!" he told her, shaking his head slightly again to dislodge her. She pecked him again as hard as she could manage without dislodging herself. Luke sighed, closed his eyes, and set himself to steadfastly ignoring her. The duck paused, surveying her target. This wasn’t going according to plan. Luke sighed to himself, and rolled his head slightly, trying to get a more comfortable position in the glue. Looking up and around, the duck launched herself off Luke’s head and soared straight up into the sky. Luke, relieved, smiled and began to drift into a doze. Up above, against the high noon sky, the duck paused mid-soar, seeming to hang on the air itself, and then turned gently in the air. Luke snuggled comfortably into dreamland, his astral body gently blurring the outlines of his physical body, and starting to separate again. The duck dive-bombed him, coming in at a murderous rate of speed to smack him upside the head with her own body; then, flapping furiously to keep from plunging into the glue herself, she landed on the edge of the puddle of glue.
"Ow!" said Luke, who started up with a jerk. Several more hairs pulled out of his beard with the sudden movement. "Owww! Look what you’ve done! I’ve lost enough hair as it is, and you’re making me lose more of it! By the time I get out of this mess, I’ll be bald!" Luke exclaimed, the last note ending on a wail.
A light sprang up in the duck’s eyes, and Luke knew exactly what she was thinking as readily as if she’d spoken out loud. "Oh, no! Oh, no you don’t!" exclaimed Luke quickly, but the duck was already flapping her wings and, in a moment, landed square on his head, in her old perch. Eyeing Luke sharply (she had to wedge her feet behind his horns again and lean down his face to do this), she poised her bill over his furry cheek and made as if to pluck out some hair.
"Don’t! Stop!" cried Luke, shaking his head hard, trying to shake her off. Hair on the other side of his head ripped out as he tore it away from the glue, and he stopped, moaning, "Oh, look what you made me do! Again! I won’t have any hair left after this!"
The duck peered at him meaningfully, but Luke could only stare back at her, not knowing what she was trying to get across. A wave of morose-ness swept over him, and he gave up trying to argue with her. "Fine. Go ahead," he glared at her. "Pull out all my hair. See if I care." He closed his eyes, once again set on ignoring her. The moment he shut his eyes, though, she bent her head and plucked out a tuft of hair. Despite his vow to suffer in silence, Luke’s eyes flew open immediately and he yelped. "That hurt! What did I ever do to you?"
Again the duck stared at him, not plucking at his fast-diminishing beard as long as he kept his eyes open. The minute he shut them, she took out another tuft. It began to dawn on Luke that she wanted him to keep his eyes open. "Okay, you dimwit," he muttered at her. "If it makes you happy, I’ll keep my eyes open."
The duck nodded firmly. "Quack!"
"Whatever that means," Luke mumbled, staring back at her and straining to keep his eyes open.
The rest of the hour passed in a haze for Luke. Try as he might to keep his eyes open, they would now and then slip past his guard and close on him. The duck always set things right, plucking and pinching at him to get his blood flowing again. By the end of the hour, Luke sat in a kind of trance, eyes glazed over staring into space, sleeping with his eyes open. But by then the danger was past, and his spirit had settled firmly back into the physical plane.
The alarm clock went off, squalling and making an awful racket, but Luke barely heard it. The duck launched herself off his head and landed beside the clock, where she carefully turned it off. Then, turning back to Luke, she rose and landed once again on his head. Seeing that he was still staring with eyes wide open, like a zombie, she leaned forward and gently nudged each of his eyes shut. Then, contented, she fluffed her wings and settled in between his horns. Luke sighed in relief, and dropped into a deeper sleep.
Yogi and Blossom found them that way, not five minutes later, but by then there was no waking Luke. The duck opened one eye to survey them, and then shut it firmly.
5.24.2007
Ch. 2, pg 2: Hallucinations
"Well, Blossom Fossom, you’d better get started," Yogi ordered settling himself down for another snack.
"ME!!" Blossom was flabbergasted. "Get started doing what?!"
"Why getting Luke out of the glue, of course," Yogi replied as if it was apparent.
"I believe that’s why we went and got you," Blossom retorted.
"Correct, Flower Head, but you must start without me, for the ever present need to keep myself in existence by taking in nourishment of proteins and vitamins is upon me once again. The lion of it roars with in me, saying it is time."
"What?!"
Yogi sighed, "I’m hungry, Grasshopper. Shall you never learn."
Blossom mumbled something under her breath to the effect of, "Learn what? Hubble rubbish? Stupid bear doesn’t even know his grammar." Yogi began his snack as Blossom thought hard to figure out how to get Luke out of the glue. She picked up an old sword she had found in her garden some months ago and began cutting Luke’s fur. By the time Yogi finished his snack, Luke was bald and the dried glue was chopped up into little-bitty pieces looking somewhat like cloudy smashed ice. Luke had somehow slept through the whole operation and was still sleeping soundly with the duck wedged between his horns protecting his last tuff of fur. Blossom wasn’t sure anything would wake either of them up, especially after she had dropped that bucket of water on them. Yogi, at this point, had also stretched out for a nap leaving Blossom as the only one awake. She faintly doodled circles in the dirt wanting to stuff something down Yogi’s throat since he snored very loudly. With her magic touch random plants spurted up out of the ground she was drawing circles in, poison ivy was one of the plants Blossom watched, and helped, grow. She suddenly smiled evilly, squatted down beside Yogi, and began growing strong vines all around him. Little pink flowers bloomed all over the vines, making Yogi look like a pink flower ball.
‘Ha! No guy likes pink,’ Blossom thought and she smiled smugly. ‘He’ll be totally disgusted when he wakes up, and stuck too.’ There was no way Blossom could’ve been prepared for what happened next. Yogi let out great big burp in the middle of a snore. It was really disgusting. The pink flower vines just fell over and died and there was no way Blossom was going to get anywhere near Yogi to restore them back to life. The duck jerked awake and crinkled her nose, the best a duck can, and up and flew away. Luke was wide-awake wanting to know what had exploded. Blossom looked at him and burst into a fit of hysterical laughter.
"What’s so funny?" Luke complained. "I heard something explode and I want to know what. You don’t have to laugh at me."
"Yogi-(snort)-snores and he-he belched in the-mid-dle of a snore," Blossom managed in the midst of all her laughter. "And look at yourself."
Luke looked down at his bare, furless legs, "What happened to my fur?!" He looked at Blossom, who was laughing too hard at this point to say anything else and turned away from her disgusted. That’s when he noticed the chopped glue and fur lying in a pile next to the sword. "Who did that?!" Luke exclaimed.
Blossom merely chortled helplessly.
Luke, growing angry, bent his head and pawed the roses up from Blossom’s garden as a threat. Blossom didn’t notice, she was too busy rolling with laughter. Luke started towards her, running at full speed. The dirt (and mud) flew behind him. All he saw was red fur--because that’s the color of the piece of fur that was stuck in his eye. Luke ran and gave it all he got to the laughing Flower Brains, or he would’ve if he hadn’t of missed and hit the tree. Blossom just laughed harder until she turned red in the face, then purple, then orange, then neon yellow, then poka-dotted green and pink! Well, anyway, she was laughing as hard as she could. Luke, on the other hand, wasn’t laughing. He was seeing stars, and little green men landing clumsily in a tree. In other words, he thought he was seeing things, but he wasn’t. He had hit the tree soooo hard that he had somehow ended up on his back, and since it was night he could see the stars that were in the sky, and little green men, well, they were little green men.
"Man, that’s not something you see everyday," the Voice said after being woken up by Luke hitting the tree.
"I’m hallucinating," Luke informed the Voice.
"No you’re not," the Voice replied.
"Yeah, I am," Luke responded irritatedly.
On seeing Luke having another conversation with himself, Blossom laughed even harder and started to wobble. She stumbled over her feel and landed on top of the rotten cabbage Luke had set at the edge of the glue puddle. This set up a stench to rival Yogi’s burp, and cut Blossom’s laughter off cold. Her face quit changing colors, and settled on a sea sick olive green color as she tried hard not to breath.
"Serves her right, brainless dryad!" the Voice laughed, "But just so you know, those little green men are still there, don’t hallucinations disappear?"
"Well, this is just a long hallucination..." Luke mumbled uncertainly.
"Sure, so…what do you think they are doing? That one on the right almost fell off the branch, heh, the parachutes are kinda cute. Wonder what they parachuted out off?"
"How should I know?" Luke huffed.
"Well, their your hallucinations…" the Voice dryly reminded him. "Hey, do you think they came from that banana?"
"Banana?" Luke looked around, "…Where?"
"Up further to your left, floating about six feet above the tree." the Voice informed Luke. "The one being attacked by your pet hair pulling duck."
Luke looked, and sure enough, there floated a huge yellow banana, about the size of a suitcase, and the duck who had kept him awake earlier was dive bombing it. As Luke watched she swooped down to the edge of the mutilated glue puddle and picked up the large violet purse that had appeared at her strange dance earlier, and carried it back towards the banana. As she flew, she began to swing the purse around her head, and upon reaching the banana, she gave it a huge WHACK! This caused the Banana to tip on it’s side, and it began a zig-zag course up towards the stars.
With a smug look on her bill, the duck flew down and settled on the ground near Luke with a satisfied "Quack!"
"Still hallucinating what I’m hallucinating?" the Voice asked sarcastically.
"Well, okay, maybe this really is happening, but you have to admit, it did seem like one at first." Luke responded grumpily. "After all, for all I know, you could be a hallucination!"
"Well, I’m not, I’m just a dead guy who’s sharing your head." the Voice commented matter-of-factly.
"WHAT?" shouted Luke, "NO WAY! How on earth could a dead guy put his voice in my head?"
"Well, I could tell you, but I think you have other things to worry about right now. Your ‘master’ just woke up."
Luke looked over towards Yogi, who was starting to wake and sniffing the air. "Who died?" Yogi complained. Then he sighted Blossom, "YOU! You sat on my cabbage! You killed the cabbage! Now who will save the world?"
Blossom (who had been trying to wipe the disgusting muck off herself) paused uncertainly and looked at Yogi. "Huh?"
"You have just single handedly sat on and killed the savior of the world! Now what will we have to defend earth against the Goober Uqyizlms Kylexer?"
"The who?" interrupted Luke.
"Don’t bother," advised the Voice, "I’ve told you before the guy was insane, but NO… you had to take him on as your master.
"Well, it didn’t exactly happen like that, I didn’t have much choice…" Luke began to explain when Yogi interrupted.
"THE GOOBER UQYIZLMS KYLEXER FROM BERZICUEL! G.U.K. for short! The ‘little green men!’ the ones who are coming to rule over us all unless we can discourage their mother ship; and Flower-Ears here has just managed to destroy our secret weapon! Now that I can’t warp that into their ship and convince them Earth is too stinky to attack, what will we DO???" He turned and glared once more at Blossom.
"Well it’s not my fault!" Blossom retorted, "I didn’t mean to sit on your stupid cabbage, and besides, you should have put it in a safer place!"
"I had asked Luke to carry it…" Yogi grumbled as he turned his baleful gaze on Luke. But then he shook his head as he looked at the pitiful sight of a bald goat with one tuft of hair standing alone on the very top of it’s head. "Then again, I suppose that you couldn’t continue to carry the cabbage once you returned to the physical body, seeing as you have no hands…" Yogi sighed and scratched his head and returned to his usual calm self. "Ah well, when the Blizzard melts and falls out of the cup, crumble another cookie and get a new Blizzard free from the Dairy Queen." Yogi mumbled philosophically.
"Ummm, I hate to interrupt this highly intelligent conversation," commented the Voice to Luke, "But your G.U.K.s are now all landed on the tree and unpacking and assembling some strange looking things from their cute little back packs."
Yogi and Blossom continued to semi argue, semi philosophize on the merits of cabbage and cookies, so Luke looked up to where the Voice had indicated. Sure enough, they were pulling wires, tubes, and other strange shaped pieces from the backpacks. Luke thought about warning Yogi, but then he thought he’d rather get in his normal body first, and then he’d warn Yogi about the, umm, Guks? "Umm, excuse me master, but could you please return me to my body? I could then help you find another rotten cabbage if you want…."
"QUACK! Quack, quack quack quack, qUACK quACK QUack!" Everyone turned to look at the duck surprised at this outburst. "Quack quack…quack." She finished decisively nodding her head.
Confused, Luke turned to Yogi for a translation, but it was Blossom who understood. Turning into her duck shape with flowers growing out of her ears, Blossom informed them that they need to 1) talk quieter, she was almost asleep and 2) prepare for battle against the G.U.K.s.
"ME!!" Blossom was flabbergasted. "Get started doing what?!"
"Why getting Luke out of the glue, of course," Yogi replied as if it was apparent.
"I believe that’s why we went and got you," Blossom retorted.
"Correct, Flower Head, but you must start without me, for the ever present need to keep myself in existence by taking in nourishment of proteins and vitamins is upon me once again. The lion of it roars with in me, saying it is time."
"What?!"
Yogi sighed, "I’m hungry, Grasshopper. Shall you never learn."
Blossom mumbled something under her breath to the effect of, "Learn what? Hubble rubbish? Stupid bear doesn’t even know his grammar." Yogi began his snack as Blossom thought hard to figure out how to get Luke out of the glue. She picked up an old sword she had found in her garden some months ago and began cutting Luke’s fur. By the time Yogi finished his snack, Luke was bald and the dried glue was chopped up into little-bitty pieces looking somewhat like cloudy smashed ice. Luke had somehow slept through the whole operation and was still sleeping soundly with the duck wedged between his horns protecting his last tuff of fur. Blossom wasn’t sure anything would wake either of them up, especially after she had dropped that bucket of water on them. Yogi, at this point, had also stretched out for a nap leaving Blossom as the only one awake. She faintly doodled circles in the dirt wanting to stuff something down Yogi’s throat since he snored very loudly. With her magic touch random plants spurted up out of the ground she was drawing circles in, poison ivy was one of the plants Blossom watched, and helped, grow. She suddenly smiled evilly, squatted down beside Yogi, and began growing strong vines all around him. Little pink flowers bloomed all over the vines, making Yogi look like a pink flower ball.
‘Ha! No guy likes pink,’ Blossom thought and she smiled smugly. ‘He’ll be totally disgusted when he wakes up, and stuck too.’ There was no way Blossom could’ve been prepared for what happened next. Yogi let out great big burp in the middle of a snore. It was really disgusting. The pink flower vines just fell over and died and there was no way Blossom was going to get anywhere near Yogi to restore them back to life. The duck jerked awake and crinkled her nose, the best a duck can, and up and flew away. Luke was wide-awake wanting to know what had exploded. Blossom looked at him and burst into a fit of hysterical laughter.
"What’s so funny?" Luke complained. "I heard something explode and I want to know what. You don’t have to laugh at me."
"Yogi-(snort)-snores and he-he belched in the-mid-dle of a snore," Blossom managed in the midst of all her laughter. "And look at yourself."
Luke looked down at his bare, furless legs, "What happened to my fur?!" He looked at Blossom, who was laughing too hard at this point to say anything else and turned away from her disgusted. That’s when he noticed the chopped glue and fur lying in a pile next to the sword. "Who did that?!" Luke exclaimed.
Blossom merely chortled helplessly.
Luke, growing angry, bent his head and pawed the roses up from Blossom’s garden as a threat. Blossom didn’t notice, she was too busy rolling with laughter. Luke started towards her, running at full speed. The dirt (and mud) flew behind him. All he saw was red fur--because that’s the color of the piece of fur that was stuck in his eye. Luke ran and gave it all he got to the laughing Flower Brains, or he would’ve if he hadn’t of missed and hit the tree. Blossom just laughed harder until she turned red in the face, then purple, then orange, then neon yellow, then poka-dotted green and pink! Well, anyway, she was laughing as hard as she could. Luke, on the other hand, wasn’t laughing. He was seeing stars, and little green men landing clumsily in a tree. In other words, he thought he was seeing things, but he wasn’t. He had hit the tree soooo hard that he had somehow ended up on his back, and since it was night he could see the stars that were in the sky, and little green men, well, they were little green men.
"Man, that’s not something you see everyday," the Voice said after being woken up by Luke hitting the tree.
"I’m hallucinating," Luke informed the Voice.
"No you’re not," the Voice replied.
"Yeah, I am," Luke responded irritatedly.
On seeing Luke having another conversation with himself, Blossom laughed even harder and started to wobble. She stumbled over her feel and landed on top of the rotten cabbage Luke had set at the edge of the glue puddle. This set up a stench to rival Yogi’s burp, and cut Blossom’s laughter off cold. Her face quit changing colors, and settled on a sea sick olive green color as she tried hard not to breath.
"Serves her right, brainless dryad!" the Voice laughed, "But just so you know, those little green men are still there, don’t hallucinations disappear?"
"Well, this is just a long hallucination..." Luke mumbled uncertainly.
"Sure, so…what do you think they are doing? That one on the right almost fell off the branch, heh, the parachutes are kinda cute. Wonder what they parachuted out off?"
"How should I know?" Luke huffed.
"Well, their your hallucinations…" the Voice dryly reminded him. "Hey, do you think they came from that banana?"
"Banana?" Luke looked around, "…Where?"
"Up further to your left, floating about six feet above the tree." the Voice informed Luke. "The one being attacked by your pet hair pulling duck."
Luke looked, and sure enough, there floated a huge yellow banana, about the size of a suitcase, and the duck who had kept him awake earlier was dive bombing it. As Luke watched she swooped down to the edge of the mutilated glue puddle and picked up the large violet purse that had appeared at her strange dance earlier, and carried it back towards the banana. As she flew, she began to swing the purse around her head, and upon reaching the banana, she gave it a huge WHACK! This caused the Banana to tip on it’s side, and it began a zig-zag course up towards the stars.
With a smug look on her bill, the duck flew down and settled on the ground near Luke with a satisfied "Quack!"
"Still hallucinating what I’m hallucinating?" the Voice asked sarcastically.
"Well, okay, maybe this really is happening, but you have to admit, it did seem like one at first." Luke responded grumpily. "After all, for all I know, you could be a hallucination!"
"Well, I’m not, I’m just a dead guy who’s sharing your head." the Voice commented matter-of-factly.
"WHAT?" shouted Luke, "NO WAY! How on earth could a dead guy put his voice in my head?"
"Well, I could tell you, but I think you have other things to worry about right now. Your ‘master’ just woke up."
Luke looked over towards Yogi, who was starting to wake and sniffing the air. "Who died?" Yogi complained. Then he sighted Blossom, "YOU! You sat on my cabbage! You killed the cabbage! Now who will save the world?"
Blossom (who had been trying to wipe the disgusting muck off herself) paused uncertainly and looked at Yogi. "Huh?"
"You have just single handedly sat on and killed the savior of the world! Now what will we have to defend earth against the Goober Uqyizlms Kylexer?"
"The who?" interrupted Luke.
"Don’t bother," advised the Voice, "I’ve told you before the guy was insane, but NO… you had to take him on as your master.
"Well, it didn’t exactly happen like that, I didn’t have much choice…" Luke began to explain when Yogi interrupted.
"THE GOOBER UQYIZLMS KYLEXER FROM BERZICUEL! G.U.K. for short! The ‘little green men!’ the ones who are coming to rule over us all unless we can discourage their mother ship; and Flower-Ears here has just managed to destroy our secret weapon! Now that I can’t warp that into their ship and convince them Earth is too stinky to attack, what will we DO???" He turned and glared once more at Blossom.
"Well it’s not my fault!" Blossom retorted, "I didn’t mean to sit on your stupid cabbage, and besides, you should have put it in a safer place!"
"I had asked Luke to carry it…" Yogi grumbled as he turned his baleful gaze on Luke. But then he shook his head as he looked at the pitiful sight of a bald goat with one tuft of hair standing alone on the very top of it’s head. "Then again, I suppose that you couldn’t continue to carry the cabbage once you returned to the physical body, seeing as you have no hands…" Yogi sighed and scratched his head and returned to his usual calm self. "Ah well, when the Blizzard melts and falls out of the cup, crumble another cookie and get a new Blizzard free from the Dairy Queen." Yogi mumbled philosophically.
"Ummm, I hate to interrupt this highly intelligent conversation," commented the Voice to Luke, "But your G.U.K.s are now all landed on the tree and unpacking and assembling some strange looking things from their cute little back packs."
Yogi and Blossom continued to semi argue, semi philosophize on the merits of cabbage and cookies, so Luke looked up to where the Voice had indicated. Sure enough, they were pulling wires, tubes, and other strange shaped pieces from the backpacks. Luke thought about warning Yogi, but then he thought he’d rather get in his normal body first, and then he’d warn Yogi about the, umm, Guks? "Umm, excuse me master, but could you please return me to my body? I could then help you find another rotten cabbage if you want…."
"QUACK! Quack, quack quack quack, qUACK quACK QUack!" Everyone turned to look at the duck surprised at this outburst. "Quack quack…quack." She finished decisively nodding her head.
Confused, Luke turned to Yogi for a translation, but it was Blossom who understood. Turning into her duck shape with flowers growing out of her ears, Blossom informed them that they need to 1) talk quieter, she was almost asleep and 2) prepare for battle against the G.U.K.s.
5.23.2007
Chapter 3
“BATTLE!” Luke and the Voice exclaimed at the same time. Luke looked at Blossom, “What kind of battle are we going to have with them?”
“Don’t ask me! I’m just translating,” Blossom backed away with her hands held up in front of her.
Yogi looked at the duck and turned to Luke and Blossom and opened his mouth to talk, but closed it again with an almost confused expression on his face. He took a closer look at the duck and finally informed Luke and Blossom, “We should ask the Llama. Llamas are very intelligent in the matters of how ducks’ brains work and I happen to know a llama rancher who knows where the cousin of the brother of the girlfriend of the brother of the Great Knowledgeable Llama lives. If we can find him he can make the future clear.”
“The future clear to what? That I’m destined to meet every crazy being that lives?” Luke muttered. The Voice laughed, but didn’t say anything.
“Might as well take advice from bald goat boy over here than going through that line of llamas. After all llamas aren’t the smartest creatures around. The Great Idiot Llama might not even be as smart as baldie,” Blossom replied letting her voice drip with sarcasm.
The duck rolled her eyes and fluttered up into Blossom’s face, “QUACK! QUack, Quack, quack!”
“Alright, alright. I’ll get some. Only--why do we need cards for a battle?” Blossom asked after fending off the dismayed duck.
The duck ignored her last question and resettled herself back on the ground to doze off.
“Now we need to get cards?” Luke asked uncertain and tired of the weird things that kept happening to him ever since he switched that teacher’s Koolaide for Prune juice. The chill from the night breeze was beginning to get to him as he had no fur to protect himself.
“I have some cards,” Yogi said pulling some out of his sleeves. Cards flew everywhere.
“Hey, look,” the Voice laughed, “there goes a Joker.” Luke wasn’t quite sure if the Voice was referring to Yogi, who was running after his cards in a desperate attempt to catch them all, or a card that had flown by his head at that moment, but it didn’t matter which, because Luke figured either way would work. Just then one of the little green men landed smack on Luke’s nose and pointed one of their funning looking tube-wire thingamabobs at him.
“We challenge you to a game of Battle!” the Guk squeaked.
“Battle the card game?” Luke asked looking cross-eyed down his nose at the little green guy.
“Of course, a really battle would be totally unfair. I mean, look how much bigger you all are compared to us. Y’all would win without trying,” the Guk replied as if it should’ve been obvious to anyone.
“So what’s the point of this game?” the Voice wondered, just at the same time, the Guk began to explain that the winner took all the ice cream. Yogi and Blossom, meanwhile, were arguing over whether the Great Knowledgeable Llama was any good at cards. “But we don’t have any ice-cream,” Luke was trying to explain to the aliens.
“Shut up, kid,” the Voice advised him. “Better if he thinks we have something they want. That way they won’t find it too convenient to blow us all up.”
Luke shrugged off this piece of advice (“What makes you think they could blow us up?”) and went back to arguing with the alien, but he didn’t seem to be getting through to it. “Look, do you see any ice cream around here anywhere?” he demanded of the alien.
“Ice cream…” was the implacable reply.
“What do you think we are--Dairy Queen?”
Oblivious to him, the little green man’s eyes glazed over and he began to chant, “Ice cream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream.” Before the Earthlings knew what was going on, the whole little band had assembled and joined the chant.
Luke tried to clap a hand to his forehead, but remembered he was a goat. “Oh, great,” he mumbled instead.
“A few crumbs short of a cookie, wouldn’t you say?” the Voice asked softly.
“Oh, brother, you’ve been around Yogi too long,” Luke muttered.
For once the Voice was defensive. “Hey, he doesn’t have a copyright on that!”
Putting the Voice on the defensive (for the first time he could remember) made Luke feel smug. But he couldn’t think of anything to say to fully express the sentiment, so he just shut his mouth and smiled widely his smuggest, hoping the Voice could somehow feel the expression on his face.
During this little interlude, Yogi and Blossom had come up to watch the green men chant, and make several remarks that Luke missed, being occupied inwardly. Now, he belatedly realized Yogi had asked him a question, and then, before he could do anything about it, he caught the tail end of Blossom’s explanation: “…he’s talking to himself again.”
“Yes, I have noticed him doing that,” was Yogi’s soft reply. A faint frown creased the bear’s forehead, and he looked troubled.
Opening his mouth yet again, Luke stopped when the green men ceased their chanting, relaxed, and returned to normal (well, normal for a little green man, perhaps--though it was anybody’s guess what that was!).
“Look, they’ve stopped,” Blossom remarked to Yogi.
The leader, who had been addressing Luke earlier, now approached him again. “So. When do we start?”
Luke blinked. “Start what?”
“The games, mizrah,” the alien replied patiently.
“Why’re you asking me?”
“Because--as recipients of our challenge, you Earthlings get to pick the time and place. And, as for the matter of asking you personally, you are obviously the one in charge…”
“Wait a minute, now!” Blossom interrupted. “The one in charge--!”
“Yes, I am afraid you are mistaken…” began Yogi.
But the green man waved away their objections, “Nonsense! Everyone knows the four-legged ones are smarter than the two legs. And they smell much nicer, too.” Blossom had a lot to say on the subject of smells regarding Luke and goats in general, but the green man only ignored her.
“Hmm,” remarked the Voice. “Looks like you’re in charge, kid. What’s it gonna be?”
“Uhhh…” Luke said nervously. He glanced around at the others, at a loss. “Why don’t we get this over with?” he said, more asking than telling. “Here and now?” The others nodded, conceding, and he turned back to the green dudes.
“Very well,” the alien replied. “You and I will play for the fates of the planets.” He made the statement very casually, in contrast to the melodramatic sound of the words.
“Uh…okay,” Luke gulped nervously. “No pressure.”
The Voice laughed at this last remark and Luke stepped forward to sit across from the green man on a splotch of green grass miraculously bereft of glue. The others gathered in a circle around them, and, with a squawk-not wanting to be left out-the duck flapped into the air and settled herself on Luke’s head, between his two horns. “Beat it, duck,” the Voice muttered, but the duck couldn’t hear him and he left it at that.
“Hey, it’s my head--I’ll decide who sits on it--and the duck stays,” Luke answered, surprised to find himself taking up for the feisty little thing.
Blossom looked at him strangely, but didn’t say anything.
“I have no objection to the two-wings,” the green leader told him calmly.
Luke flushed, but opted against explaining who he was talking to, while the Voice snickered to itself, “’Two-wings.’ As opposed to ‘one-wing?’”
“Or ‘no-brain,’” Luke answered the Voice rather sharply, silencing it.
Blossom gasped and looked appalled that Luke would say such a thing to the leader of an alien force trying to take over their world.
Luckily, the alien misunderstood him again. “What’s a ‘no-brain?’” he asked curiously.
Luke shook his head, “Never mind.”
“How ‘bout the one sitting right in front of you?” Blossom muttered in a voice so low that only Luke (and therefore the Voice) caught it.
He shot her a dark look as the Voice murmured, “Oooh. Good one.”
Luke almost returned a nasty remark, but caught himself before he spoke out loud. Instead, he shut his mouth and tried thinking it: She was talking about you. No response. Luke gave it up, wondering if the Voice honestly couldn’t hear him, or if he just wanted him to think he couldn’t hear him.
“Let’s play.” The alien remarked finally, impatient with the long silence.
Luke nodded, and Yogi began dealing the cards. It took only a moment for Luke’s teacher to deal the cards out in a few deft movements, and then they were ready. “Begin!” A forest green alien to the left of the leader barked out rather unnecessarily, Luke thought, and a good deal portentously, and they began the game.
Luke and the alien laid down their first two cards. Ten of hearts and a three of clubs. Luke, owner of the ten, picked up the two cards, and they laid down the next two. Queen against a seven. This time the alien picked up the cards.
“Hey, what kind of game is this?” the Voice asked, seemingly roused from his disinterest. Watching as the two laid down their cards and determined who won them, he began to grow mildly excited, offering comments and suggestions to Luke. Luke tried his best to ignore him, but occasionally couldn’t resist a comment under his breath. Occasionally, he got a few strange looks, but that was all. “Hey, put down an Ace next time and you’ll get him for sure,” the Voice advised.
Luke sighed. “That’s not how the game works,” he muttered.
“A five! Put down a five!” the Voice exclaimed excitedly when the alien laid down a four; while Luke was still reaching for his own card.
Luke grimaced and laid down his card.
It was a six. The Voice crowed with glee. “You got ‘im! You got ‘im! Way to go!”
Luke sighed and shook his head.
When they hit the first battle, the Voice was confused. “Wait a minute. Who gets that one?”
Six against six. The two opponents began the battle chant, laying down each successive card: “I-de-clare-war.” The alien’s Jack beat Luke’s three, and the green invader sweeped up the pile of cards with a satisfied smile. He was a quiet opponent-calm, patient, biding his time, with a good poker face, even if it was green. Luke watched him, the Voice’s cries of dismay wailing in the background.
Though luck shifts this way and that, and rarely stays with one person for long, Luke could see that the tide of the game was gradually turning against him. His stack was now a third of the size of the alien’s. He needed to win a few battles to catch up fast.
A stack of cards later, Luke was in more trouble. His stack was even skinnier when they both laid down queens. “I-de-clare-war.” The alien laid down an Ace. Luke put down his last card half a beat later and looked down. It was an Ace.
“Don’t ask me! I’m just translating,” Blossom backed away with her hands held up in front of her.
Yogi looked at the duck and turned to Luke and Blossom and opened his mouth to talk, but closed it again with an almost confused expression on his face. He took a closer look at the duck and finally informed Luke and Blossom, “We should ask the Llama. Llamas are very intelligent in the matters of how ducks’ brains work and I happen to know a llama rancher who knows where the cousin of the brother of the girlfriend of the brother of the Great Knowledgeable Llama lives. If we can find him he can make the future clear.”
“The future clear to what? That I’m destined to meet every crazy being that lives?” Luke muttered. The Voice laughed, but didn’t say anything.
“Might as well take advice from bald goat boy over here than going through that line of llamas. After all llamas aren’t the smartest creatures around. The Great Idiot Llama might not even be as smart as baldie,” Blossom replied letting her voice drip with sarcasm.
The duck rolled her eyes and fluttered up into Blossom’s face, “QUACK! QUack, Quack, quack!”
“Alright, alright. I’ll get some. Only--why do we need cards for a battle?” Blossom asked after fending off the dismayed duck.
The duck ignored her last question and resettled herself back on the ground to doze off.
“Now we need to get cards?” Luke asked uncertain and tired of the weird things that kept happening to him ever since he switched that teacher’s Koolaide for Prune juice. The chill from the night breeze was beginning to get to him as he had no fur to protect himself.
“I have some cards,” Yogi said pulling some out of his sleeves. Cards flew everywhere.
“Hey, look,” the Voice laughed, “there goes a Joker.” Luke wasn’t quite sure if the Voice was referring to Yogi, who was running after his cards in a desperate attempt to catch them all, or a card that had flown by his head at that moment, but it didn’t matter which, because Luke figured either way would work. Just then one of the little green men landed smack on Luke’s nose and pointed one of their funning looking tube-wire thingamabobs at him.
“We challenge you to a game of Battle!” the Guk squeaked.
“Battle the card game?” Luke asked looking cross-eyed down his nose at the little green guy.
“Of course, a really battle would be totally unfair. I mean, look how much bigger you all are compared to us. Y’all would win without trying,” the Guk replied as if it should’ve been obvious to anyone.
“So what’s the point of this game?” the Voice wondered, just at the same time, the Guk began to explain that the winner took all the ice cream. Yogi and Blossom, meanwhile, were arguing over whether the Great Knowledgeable Llama was any good at cards. “But we don’t have any ice-cream,” Luke was trying to explain to the aliens.
“Shut up, kid,” the Voice advised him. “Better if he thinks we have something they want. That way they won’t find it too convenient to blow us all up.”
Luke shrugged off this piece of advice (“What makes you think they could blow us up?”) and went back to arguing with the alien, but he didn’t seem to be getting through to it. “Look, do you see any ice cream around here anywhere?” he demanded of the alien.
“Ice cream…” was the implacable reply.
“What do you think we are--Dairy Queen?”
Oblivious to him, the little green man’s eyes glazed over and he began to chant, “Ice cream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream.” Before the Earthlings knew what was going on, the whole little band had assembled and joined the chant.
Luke tried to clap a hand to his forehead, but remembered he was a goat. “Oh, great,” he mumbled instead.
“A few crumbs short of a cookie, wouldn’t you say?” the Voice asked softly.
“Oh, brother, you’ve been around Yogi too long,” Luke muttered.
For once the Voice was defensive. “Hey, he doesn’t have a copyright on that!”
Putting the Voice on the defensive (for the first time he could remember) made Luke feel smug. But he couldn’t think of anything to say to fully express the sentiment, so he just shut his mouth and smiled widely his smuggest, hoping the Voice could somehow feel the expression on his face.
During this little interlude, Yogi and Blossom had come up to watch the green men chant, and make several remarks that Luke missed, being occupied inwardly. Now, he belatedly realized Yogi had asked him a question, and then, before he could do anything about it, he caught the tail end of Blossom’s explanation: “…he’s talking to himself again.”
“Yes, I have noticed him doing that,” was Yogi’s soft reply. A faint frown creased the bear’s forehead, and he looked troubled.
Opening his mouth yet again, Luke stopped when the green men ceased their chanting, relaxed, and returned to normal (well, normal for a little green man, perhaps--though it was anybody’s guess what that was!).
“Look, they’ve stopped,” Blossom remarked to Yogi.
The leader, who had been addressing Luke earlier, now approached him again. “So. When do we start?”
Luke blinked. “Start what?”
“The games, mizrah,” the alien replied patiently.
“Why’re you asking me?”
“Because--as recipients of our challenge, you Earthlings get to pick the time and place. And, as for the matter of asking you personally, you are obviously the one in charge…”
“Wait a minute, now!” Blossom interrupted. “The one in charge--!”
“Yes, I am afraid you are mistaken…” began Yogi.
But the green man waved away their objections, “Nonsense! Everyone knows the four-legged ones are smarter than the two legs. And they smell much nicer, too.” Blossom had a lot to say on the subject of smells regarding Luke and goats in general, but the green man only ignored her.
“Hmm,” remarked the Voice. “Looks like you’re in charge, kid. What’s it gonna be?”
“Uhhh…” Luke said nervously. He glanced around at the others, at a loss. “Why don’t we get this over with?” he said, more asking than telling. “Here and now?” The others nodded, conceding, and he turned back to the green dudes.
“Very well,” the alien replied. “You and I will play for the fates of the planets.” He made the statement very casually, in contrast to the melodramatic sound of the words.
“Uh…okay,” Luke gulped nervously. “No pressure.”
The Voice laughed at this last remark and Luke stepped forward to sit across from the green man on a splotch of green grass miraculously bereft of glue. The others gathered in a circle around them, and, with a squawk-not wanting to be left out-the duck flapped into the air and settled herself on Luke’s head, between his two horns. “Beat it, duck,” the Voice muttered, but the duck couldn’t hear him and he left it at that.
“Hey, it’s my head--I’ll decide who sits on it--and the duck stays,” Luke answered, surprised to find himself taking up for the feisty little thing.
Blossom looked at him strangely, but didn’t say anything.
“I have no objection to the two-wings,” the green leader told him calmly.
Luke flushed, but opted against explaining who he was talking to, while the Voice snickered to itself, “’Two-wings.’ As opposed to ‘one-wing?’”
“Or ‘no-brain,’” Luke answered the Voice rather sharply, silencing it.
Blossom gasped and looked appalled that Luke would say such a thing to the leader of an alien force trying to take over their world.
Luckily, the alien misunderstood him again. “What’s a ‘no-brain?’” he asked curiously.
Luke shook his head, “Never mind.”
“How ‘bout the one sitting right in front of you?” Blossom muttered in a voice so low that only Luke (and therefore the Voice) caught it.
He shot her a dark look as the Voice murmured, “Oooh. Good one.”
Luke almost returned a nasty remark, but caught himself before he spoke out loud. Instead, he shut his mouth and tried thinking it: She was talking about you. No response. Luke gave it up, wondering if the Voice honestly couldn’t hear him, or if he just wanted him to think he couldn’t hear him.
“Let’s play.” The alien remarked finally, impatient with the long silence.
Luke nodded, and Yogi began dealing the cards. It took only a moment for Luke’s teacher to deal the cards out in a few deft movements, and then they were ready. “Begin!” A forest green alien to the left of the leader barked out rather unnecessarily, Luke thought, and a good deal portentously, and they began the game.
Luke and the alien laid down their first two cards. Ten of hearts and a three of clubs. Luke, owner of the ten, picked up the two cards, and they laid down the next two. Queen against a seven. This time the alien picked up the cards.
“Hey, what kind of game is this?” the Voice asked, seemingly roused from his disinterest. Watching as the two laid down their cards and determined who won them, he began to grow mildly excited, offering comments and suggestions to Luke. Luke tried his best to ignore him, but occasionally couldn’t resist a comment under his breath. Occasionally, he got a few strange looks, but that was all. “Hey, put down an Ace next time and you’ll get him for sure,” the Voice advised.
Luke sighed. “That’s not how the game works,” he muttered.
“A five! Put down a five!” the Voice exclaimed excitedly when the alien laid down a four; while Luke was still reaching for his own card.
Luke grimaced and laid down his card.
It was a six. The Voice crowed with glee. “You got ‘im! You got ‘im! Way to go!”
Luke sighed and shook his head.
When they hit the first battle, the Voice was confused. “Wait a minute. Who gets that one?”
Six against six. The two opponents began the battle chant, laying down each successive card: “I-de-clare-war.” The alien’s Jack beat Luke’s three, and the green invader sweeped up the pile of cards with a satisfied smile. He was a quiet opponent-calm, patient, biding his time, with a good poker face, even if it was green. Luke watched him, the Voice’s cries of dismay wailing in the background.
Though luck shifts this way and that, and rarely stays with one person for long, Luke could see that the tide of the game was gradually turning against him. His stack was now a third of the size of the alien’s. He needed to win a few battles to catch up fast.
A stack of cards later, Luke was in more trouble. His stack was even skinnier when they both laid down queens. “I-de-clare-war.” The alien laid down an Ace. Luke put down his last card half a beat later and looked down. It was an Ace.
5.22.2007
Chapter 4
Confused, Luke looked up at the Guk. "Now what? I can’t do a double war since I’m out of cards…."
"Tie game!" Declared the little green man, "Now we have three choices. One: play again! Two: you give us half the ice cream and we leave. Three: we take all the ice cream and blow you up anyway. Hmm…" mused the little man, "where’s your ice cream?"
"What do you want the ice cream for anyway?" Blossom asked when Luke just stared stupidly at the little green man.
"Banana Splits! What else!" the Guk rolled his eyes as if everyone should already know this.
"Remember what I told you about letting them think you have something they want!" warned the Voice. Luke quickly shut his mouth on what he’d been about to say and instead decided to try to trick them. After all, the situation couldn’t get any worse.
"We’ll only tell you where the ice cream is if you don’t blow us up." He said with more force than he felt. "Uh.. If you blow us up, then you’ll never find the ice cream." He thought that was pretty smart of himself to think up. He was silently congratulating himself when the forest green alien to the left of the leader suddenly began yelling unintelligibly at the leader and turning a dark purplish forest green color while waving his tube wire thingamabob around.
"You think that’s their mother language?" the Voice asked Luke. "Hee hee, here, I’ll translate, he’s saying. You stupid pinhead, I told you they didn’t have any Spam. This is a waste of time. I could be home watching the news, but no, I’m out here with a lamebrain leader who--" the Voice abruptly cut off his joking as the Guk charred a nearby tree with his wire bobber. In a grave tone he decided, "This looks serious."
"You think?" Luke asked sarcastically. Blossom looked at him curiously.
"Think what?" she paused, "or are you talking to yourself again?"
Luke growled, but decided against explaining, instead he asked sarcastically, "You think the Llama could help us?"
"That’s a good idea," Yogi agreed, "I’ll send the elephant to fetch him."
"That’s a stupid idea!" Blossom pouted, "and besides, how would an elephant know how to find a llama?"
"Grassho--" began Yogi,
"DON’T CALL ME THAT!" screamed Blossom. "I’M SICK and tired of being turned into insects because you can’t remember my name. It’s Blossom, BLOS-SOM, B L O S S O M. got it?"
The purplish forest green Guk halted mid-rant and stared at Blossom, who’s yelling had temporarily outmatched his. By this time, five or six trees had been charred into ash. He advanced on Blossom with a curious look on his face. "Yowx wouzn sde bolae we?" He asked Blossom respectfully.
Blossom turned from Yogi and her face began to assume a purplish tint as well. "I CAN’T UNDERSTAND YOU STUPID GUK! Speak an earth language! Speak pigeon for all I care, but don’t go calling me names in a language I can’t understand!"
The Guk looked pleased, “SEOP MI ZYOLO BU!!” he shouted gleefully back at Blossom.
“AND ANOTHER THING! YOU FRIED MY FRIENDS!! I’M PART TREE YOU KNOW, AND LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO MY GARDEN!”
"Xoip WOIN sio--" began the Guk when Blossom interrupted.
"QUIT SPEAKING GIBBERISH! YOU OVERGROWN TERMITE!" She began to turn pink then red then purple as she started to swell. Luke remembered the last time she’d done this she’d turned into a fire breathing dragon, and a show down between a dragon and a Guk with a thing that fried trees didn’t particularly sound fun.
"Why don’t you morph into one of them? Then maybe you could understand him." Luke suggested helpfully as Blossom began to change colors and swell up. She instantly froze her swelling and looked at Luke.
"That’s actually a good idea goat-boy." She sounded surprised. She began to deflate, and shrink and then with a puff of smoke she stood there in Guk form, except for the flowers growing out of her ears. "Now, what were you calling me?" she growled at the purplish forest green man.
Blossom and the purplish Guk began chattering back and forth unintelligibly, and Blossom began to blush a delicate shade of pink. Luke blinked, it looked as if the two were flirting! Luke looked around for Yogi instead of watching those two act silly. He glanced around at a loss. The sky was starting to lighten, and it would be morning soon. They must have spent all night dealing with these Guks. And Yogi, for all of his supposed wisdom, hadn’t been much help. Speaking of which, when and where had Yogi gone?
"He said something about the elephant…" the Voice reminded Luke, "and it’s gone now."
"Good grief!" Luke said exasperated, "you think he rode off to find that stupid llama?"
"Probably." agreed the Voice.
"Quack!" interrupted the duck. Luke turned to look at her and saw the leader advancing on him.
"Well," began the little green man, "It looks like we don’t get to blow you up after all." He sounded disappointed. "His majesty’s son has taken a strange liking to Bla-sum."
"Majesty? I thought you were the leader?"
"Correct." agreed the Guk. "I am the leader of this expedition. I am the general of his Majesty’s invasion force. However, his son insisted on coming along to help learn the skills he will need when it is his turn to rule. He disapproved of my strategy to give you earthlings an illusion of a fair chance by battle, and then take over the planet anyway. But I thought that by the time the card game was through, since it is a very long game, my spies would have located your ice cream stash and sent it to the mother ship. Unfortunately, they failed to locate it, and so I was somewhat at a loss of what to do when you threatened to take the secret to your grave. Of course, we can make ice cream ourselves, but we find the earth varieties taste best because of the cows milk." The little green man shrugged his shoulders, "Now I do not know what will happen. His majesty won’t be too happy, but then he always gives his son everything he wants. Perhaps he will decide to take Bla-Sum back with us. But from the sound of things right now, it looks like he might want to stay here and plant a colony." The Guk let out a long sigh. "What a mess."
Luke privately agreed, but kept his mouth shut. Let flower-ears get herself out of this mess, he thought peevishly. "Told you we should let them think we had ice cream." a smug Voice bragged to Luke. Grimacing, Luke looked over to the duck, who was staring raptly into the forest as trees began to shake and sway, it looked like the elephant was returning. On the elephant’s back rode Yogi and a big cardboard box.
"Tie game!" Declared the little green man, "Now we have three choices. One: play again! Two: you give us half the ice cream and we leave. Three: we take all the ice cream and blow you up anyway. Hmm…" mused the little man, "where’s your ice cream?"
"What do you want the ice cream for anyway?" Blossom asked when Luke just stared stupidly at the little green man.
"Banana Splits! What else!" the Guk rolled his eyes as if everyone should already know this.
"Remember what I told you about letting them think you have something they want!" warned the Voice. Luke quickly shut his mouth on what he’d been about to say and instead decided to try to trick them. After all, the situation couldn’t get any worse.
"We’ll only tell you where the ice cream is if you don’t blow us up." He said with more force than he felt. "Uh.. If you blow us up, then you’ll never find the ice cream." He thought that was pretty smart of himself to think up. He was silently congratulating himself when the forest green alien to the left of the leader suddenly began yelling unintelligibly at the leader and turning a dark purplish forest green color while waving his tube wire thingamabob around.
"You think that’s their mother language?" the Voice asked Luke. "Hee hee, here, I’ll translate, he’s saying. You stupid pinhead, I told you they didn’t have any Spam. This is a waste of time. I could be home watching the news, but no, I’m out here with a lamebrain leader who--" the Voice abruptly cut off his joking as the Guk charred a nearby tree with his wire bobber. In a grave tone he decided, "This looks serious."
"You think?" Luke asked sarcastically. Blossom looked at him curiously.
"Think what?" she paused, "or are you talking to yourself again?"
Luke growled, but decided against explaining, instead he asked sarcastically, "You think the Llama could help us?"
"That’s a good idea," Yogi agreed, "I’ll send the elephant to fetch him."
"That’s a stupid idea!" Blossom pouted, "and besides, how would an elephant know how to find a llama?"
"Grassho--" began Yogi,
"DON’T CALL ME THAT!" screamed Blossom. "I’M SICK and tired of being turned into insects because you can’t remember my name. It’s Blossom, BLOS-SOM, B L O S S O M. got it?"
The purplish forest green Guk halted mid-rant and stared at Blossom, who’s yelling had temporarily outmatched his. By this time, five or six trees had been charred into ash. He advanced on Blossom with a curious look on his face. "Yowx wouzn sde bolae we?" He asked Blossom respectfully.
Blossom turned from Yogi and her face began to assume a purplish tint as well. "I CAN’T UNDERSTAND YOU STUPID GUK! Speak an earth language! Speak pigeon for all I care, but don’t go calling me names in a language I can’t understand!"
The Guk looked pleased, “SEOP MI ZYOLO BU!!” he shouted gleefully back at Blossom.
“AND ANOTHER THING! YOU FRIED MY FRIENDS!! I’M PART TREE YOU KNOW, AND LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO MY GARDEN!”
"Xoip WOIN sio--" began the Guk when Blossom interrupted.
"QUIT SPEAKING GIBBERISH! YOU OVERGROWN TERMITE!" She began to turn pink then red then purple as she started to swell. Luke remembered the last time she’d done this she’d turned into a fire breathing dragon, and a show down between a dragon and a Guk with a thing that fried trees didn’t particularly sound fun.
"Why don’t you morph into one of them? Then maybe you could understand him." Luke suggested helpfully as Blossom began to change colors and swell up. She instantly froze her swelling and looked at Luke.
"That’s actually a good idea goat-boy." She sounded surprised. She began to deflate, and shrink and then with a puff of smoke she stood there in Guk form, except for the flowers growing out of her ears. "Now, what were you calling me?" she growled at the purplish forest green man.
Blossom and the purplish Guk began chattering back and forth unintelligibly, and Blossom began to blush a delicate shade of pink. Luke blinked, it looked as if the two were flirting! Luke looked around for Yogi instead of watching those two act silly. He glanced around at a loss. The sky was starting to lighten, and it would be morning soon. They must have spent all night dealing with these Guks. And Yogi, for all of his supposed wisdom, hadn’t been much help. Speaking of which, when and where had Yogi gone?
"He said something about the elephant…" the Voice reminded Luke, "and it’s gone now."
"Good grief!" Luke said exasperated, "you think he rode off to find that stupid llama?"
"Probably." agreed the Voice.
"Quack!" interrupted the duck. Luke turned to look at her and saw the leader advancing on him.
"Well," began the little green man, "It looks like we don’t get to blow you up after all." He sounded disappointed. "His majesty’s son has taken a strange liking to Bla-sum."
"Majesty? I thought you were the leader?"
"Correct." agreed the Guk. "I am the leader of this expedition. I am the general of his Majesty’s invasion force. However, his son insisted on coming along to help learn the skills he will need when it is his turn to rule. He disapproved of my strategy to give you earthlings an illusion of a fair chance by battle, and then take over the planet anyway. But I thought that by the time the card game was through, since it is a very long game, my spies would have located your ice cream stash and sent it to the mother ship. Unfortunately, they failed to locate it, and so I was somewhat at a loss of what to do when you threatened to take the secret to your grave. Of course, we can make ice cream ourselves, but we find the earth varieties taste best because of the cows milk." The little green man shrugged his shoulders, "Now I do not know what will happen. His majesty won’t be too happy, but then he always gives his son everything he wants. Perhaps he will decide to take Bla-Sum back with us. But from the sound of things right now, it looks like he might want to stay here and plant a colony." The Guk let out a long sigh. "What a mess."
Luke privately agreed, but kept his mouth shut. Let flower-ears get herself out of this mess, he thought peevishly. "Told you we should let them think we had ice cream." a smug Voice bragged to Luke. Grimacing, Luke looked over to the duck, who was staring raptly into the forest as trees began to shake and sway, it looked like the elephant was returning. On the elephant’s back rode Yogi and a big cardboard box.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)